On Wednesday evening, there was a worship service to kick off 40 days of worship and prayer for the state of CT. My sis Lisa had told us about this 40 day event awhile ago, and we decided it would be fun to check out while Sarah and Miriam were home.
Fast forward to last Wednesday, and I had completely forgotten about these worship services. When they were talking about the service that evening in Berlin,CT I have to admit that I was really just wishing I could stay home. However, it was a night for all of us ladies (Momma Hine, Sarah, Lisa, Miriam and our friend Erika) to spend together, plus we went to Rich's before so I decided to suck it up and go. As you can imagine, I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to worship. Also, this was a joyful event with lots of people shouting Hallelujahs and feelings of excitement. Sometimes, I love that. Lately, it has been hard for me to not be angry with God (even though I still trust Him and His plan for us, I still get angry because I just want Tim here so badly). They played several songs in a row about surrendering our hopes, dreams and plans to God - and while I know this is something I have always needed to do, I hate that I HAD to give up my hopes, dreams, and plans that included Tim (which were pretty much all of them). I was having a serious struggle with God and was practically yelling in my head at Him to speak to me because I felt so alone, lonely, and angry.
And then the service ended, with me feeling angry and sad and determined to leave the service feeling those feelings. I was surrounded by hundreds of strangers, in a church and town that I had never been, and the only people I knew were the people I drove with and a friend of Lisa's. I was not in a good place.
Within a few minutes of the service ending, a college aged guy came up to me looking pretty nervous. I immediately bristled, thinking to myself what in the world does this guy want? He said, "I don't usually do this, and I'm not really sure how to do this, but I just have a word from God that He wanted me to tell you."
At this point, I was listening, but still not so sure about the whole thing. And then, these words came out of his mouth - "He wanted me to tell you that your baby is going to be a warrior". I immediately burst into tears, choked out a thank you, and the young guy was on his way out the door. I sat down, stammering to those around me "Did you hear what he just said?!". I left feeling more at peace than I have in the last five months (and it has been five months to the day since my love has gone on to Heaven).
For those of you that attended Tim's memorial service, you won't need to ask why that particular statement was so powerful. If you didn't, I would watch my mother in laws talk on the youtube link that we posted. Basically, God spoke to Leslie the week after Tim went to Heaven and told her that he is going to be (or is) a warrior king. She shared the whole story at Tim's service.
The fact that God would choose to use a night where I felt so angry and lonely, to use a total stranger, and to speak a word to me that would show just how close He is and how close Tim is, that was truly amazing to me. And, what implications it has for the future that this little one is going to be a warrior?
Our God, He is so so good. Even in the midst of our incredible suffering. Even in the midst of our terrible sadness. Even when we are so angry we can barely pray. Even when all we want is our old life back. He knows, He loves us, and He is good. And Tim, I love you, and think it is pretty awesome that our baby is going to be a warrior just like his/her daddy. I so look forward to the day when the three of us are together again, but until then I have hope for our future.