Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2 Months Old 12/26/13

2 Months Old
Dear Timothy,
You had such a big month my little love bug! 
At the end of November you celebrated your first Thanksgiving. We went for a walk with Mimi and Papa, went to dinner with Mama's family, and then stayed over Grammy and Grandpa's house. It was Mama's first holiday without your dad, and it was difficult for me - but having you around made it a little happier.
We also went and got your first Christmas tree with Auntie Lisa and Uncle Chris and Auntie Nikki. You love looking at the lights at night. 
We celebrated my 30th birthday. We went out to dinner with Mimi, Papa and Auntie Lisa the night before. The day of we did some shopping and had lunch with Grammy, and then Auntie Nora and Auntie Emma came over and brought dinner for us. The day after, Uncle Peter and Auntie Katie took us out for dinner. I usually love my birthday, and I did enjoy spending time with everyone, but I really hated that your dad wasn't here to share this milestone with me. It also really hurt to be a different age that Tim will not know me as on earth - it makes me so sad every time I think about that. 
You also celebrated your first Christmas - we went to two ornament exchanges, sang Christmas carols at the nursing home, hung out with Mama's best friends, made the Christmas soup, spent time with family and friends, and did out best to enjoy the season. Once again it was very hard for me, and I found myself tearing up all the time. It just sucks that your dad isn't here for all of this fun stuff!
Finally, we started your second month with your two month appointment where you got 5 shots and one oral vaccine. You screamed, but settled down pretty quickly afterwards. Your pediatrician says you are very healthy and growing perfectly - you are 11 lbs, 7 1/2 oz and 23 1/2 inches long! The day of your vaccines you slept a lot and cried every time you woke up, and barely ate. Your fever reached 100.5, and you had some very impressive spit up. I was very glad to have Auntie Nikki and Auntie Emma around to answer questions and make me feel more comfortable. I even called the on call pediatrician, I guess I am a bit of a paranoid first time mom. Unfortunately for you, you woke up the next morning still feeling off from the vaccines, and with your first cold! This was just in time for our four hour drive to New Hampshire - but of course you were such a trooper and only cried for a bit toward the end of our trip.
Other milestones:
Smiled for the first time! This is by far my favorite! My heart is so happy that when you see me you often smile. It is quite possibly the best feeling in the world.
You have also started cooing and making more little noises to express yourself.
Your hair is starting to become more like your Dad's...definitely getting more of a reddish tint.
You have grown out of newborn clothes (so sad!) and are almost out of 0-3 as well, depending on the brand.
You met a lot of new people! You finally got to meet your Auntie Sarah, Uncle John, and cousin Miriam (you love seeing her!), your Auntie Colleen and Uncle Rod, Uncle Adam, Auntie Alex, and many more! You are one blessed kid to have so many people that love you! 

I look forward to seeing how you grow in the next month! I know your Dad is smiling and enjoying watching you grow from Heaven!

I love you always and forever,
Mama

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

One Month Old 11/26/13

I can't believe that Timothy is one month old already! The time has seriously flown by and I feel like he has been with me forever! I have decided to write him monthly letters about what is going on in our lives so that I can keep track of everything!

Dear Timothy,
The first few nights at home were challenging because you were cluster feeding from around 9-1, and I was simply exhausted. Thankfully, Auntie Lisa took you a couple of times for a little while so that I could get some sleep. Since then, the cluster feeding has toned down but night time is still challenging. Little man, you are not a fan of sleeping on your back and want to instead sleep on me, which I have given in to so that I can get some sleep! Typically at night you sleep for 1-2 1/2 hour stretches, so my sleep has really suffered but because I am able to rest during the day it hasn't been too terrible. Either way, it's been so worth it to snuggle with you!

We have had a ton of visitors, and many wonderful dinners from people. You have been able meet many of Mama and Daddy's friends and a lot of family as well. You are really good with people and love to be held.

We have ventured to your pediatrician two times, and you have done well both times! The first time you had gained an ounce since the hospital at 4 days old so you were 6lb,11 oz. They also did a heel prick to draw blood for a jaundice test which thankfully you did not have. You did scream bloody murder during that time and made Mama sweat like crazy - hormones! Your second appt at 2 weeks old went well also. You are a very healthy boy and gained back your birth weight plus some and weighed 7lbs, 14 oz. Since then, according to the scale Mimi got for you, you are up to 9lbs, 1 oz. Little man, you are an eating champ! 

On that note, feeding is going well and you eat every 1-4 hours (usually around 2). You are only fussy when you are hungry or gassy. This whole nursing thing is a lot easier than I thought it would be, although it has moments in then middle of the night that are challenging. I have even fed you in public several times now, in restaurants and in shopping parking lots!

We have gone out to get frozen yogurt, dinner 4 times, church, and shopping. We are very fortunate that you are a good little one and as long as you are fed and changed you are as happy as can be to go out. 

Auntie Lisa has been staying with us and has been an incredible help! She basically does everything around the house so I can just focus on you. I hurt my back with the pup one day, as well as from giving birth so I have been a little less mobile than usual (going to a wonderful chiropractor that has helped!) I don't know how we would have gotten through this first month without her! Thank you Auntie Lisa! And of course the rest of our family and friends that have helped out so much as well!

In the first month you have also:
Started tummy time 
Your umbilical cord fell off
Have had 3 sponge baths and one tub bath
Have had several poop and pee blowouts, but the two best were the projectile poop that shot 5ish feet across the room!
You can hold your neck up for long stretches
You are really strong!
Have had your nails cut several times because they grow so fast 
Turn your head when you hear noises
Recognizes my voice
Follows close objects with your eyes 
"Smile"occasionally in your sleep
Don't love getting changed
Make the sweetest and funniest noises and faces - my favorite noise sounds like a horse neighing and my favorite face is your Cheerio face.
Took a couple trail walks in the BOB

I'm so incredibly in love with you, little man. You have brought so much joy in the short time you have been with us. We miss your Dad so much, and I know that will continue to but I see him in you every single time I look at you, which is amazing. 

I love you always and forever,
Mama

Tim, you would be so thrilled to hang out with your son! He's such a love and makes me laugh. I wish you were here to hold him and be a family with us, but I know you are still with us in whatever way you can be and I know you love him and me. I can't wait until we all get to be together again, but in the meantime I will do my best, with God's grace, to raise him to be a Godly man that loves the outdoors and is kind and good and a great friend - just like you are babe! Thank you for giving me this gift before you left to do greater things in heaven. I love you!
One Month Stats

One Month Photo Shoot

McKinley wanted to participate

Mama/Little Man Snuggles

Friday, November 1, 2013

Timothy Reeves Jr.'s Birth Story

Birth Story
On Friday evening 10/25, when I was 39 weeks, I decided to clean the whole house top to bottom since I was having a friend over the next day. My stomach started to hurt a little bit, but I chalked it up to something I ate or overexertion. After having some dessert and relaxing, I finally got settled in for bed around midnight.
At 2:30 in the morning I was woken up by some strong cramps, that I was still thinking may have been from something I ate (denial much?) After about 1 1/2 hrs of noticing that the pains were consistently about 10 minutes apart, I decided that I was probably having contractions. After having a brief meltdown that this might really be happening and how much I really wanted Tim to be there with me, I called Nora at about 4 to tell her I might be in labor. I then called the midwives and they told me to try and get some sleep and to call when the contractions were between 3-5 minutes apart and lasting for a minute. I did my best to sleep but was excited/nervous so I really couldn't. At around 6:30, I called Nora again and we decided the birth team would come meet at my house. I took a shower and got dressed and waited. Lisa arrived first, being called from work - then Sarah Kate and Nora. After forcing down a bacon, egg and cheese and an apple, we decided that perhaps going for a walk would help. It was a gorgeous fall day, and that sounded like a nice thing to do. We walked a mile total, stopping for many contractions along the way. On the walk, the contractions intensified and got closer together. After arriving back at home, we tried to have a snack and watch some television but the contractions started to get much more difficult to get through and we started discussing going to the hospital. After getting all of my stuff in the car and trying to eat a little snack, I said goodbye to McKinley and climbed in the front seat with a garbage pail and a blanket. Other than some tough contractions, the car ride was uneventful and we immediately headed to Labor and Delivery. I was brought into a room and got dressed in the outfit I was planning to labor in. The nurse hooked me up to the heart rate and contraction monitors and asked me what felt like a million admission questions which are awfully hard to answer when you are in pain. After that Kathy, the midwife, arrived to check how far along I was. I was at 4cm and I think it was around 1pm. I have to say I was hoping I was farther along but was still feeling pretty good. 
I then decided I wanted to labor in the tub, which was an awesome idea. Before getting in, they made me use the bathroom and I lost my mucous plug. I then went in the tub and ended up being in there for an hour or so. It was pretty funny though, because I needed to be on my knees during a contraction, half my body was almost always out of the water and the bubbles needed to be turned off because the hot air was making me nauseous. At this point during every contraction I needed to squeeze someone's hands and have someone putting intense pressure on my lower back. SK took over the back for the majority of tub time. Donna, my doula, also used a shower head to put water on my back the whole time. I often was resting very heavily/dozing in between contractions. Throughout the tub time and all the other positions that followed, Kathy was able to use a fetal heart rate monitor to check and see how the baby was doing, and every time the heartbeat was nice and strong (although I barely recall hearing it, I just remember people telling me to listen to it)
After a long time, I was getting too cold in the tub so I decided to get out. They wanted me to use the restroom at that time and I had several fast and intense contractions while in there. That was one of my least favorite labor positions but it did help progress things - Kathy checked me right after and I was between 7-8cm . This was really good for me, because I had bargained with myself in the tub about getting an epidural and I told myself that if the next time I was checked I am farther than a 7 I won't get one, but if I'm only a 6 it would still be an option. It wasn't an option.
Donna then suggested I try the birth ball (essentially a yoga ball) which I really liked. I stayed there for awhile before they made me use the restroom again, and again those contractions were terrible - and when I got out my midwife wanted me to try a few contractions standing up next to the bed and squatting during them - let me just say for the record that this was NOT FUN! The wonderful thing about Kathy was that every time I had a super intense/really long/really hard contraction she was so encouraging and said how awesome that one was because it was helping things move along faster.
After a few standing contractions I went back on the birthing ball and while I was there I felt some liquid start to trickle and said that I thought my water was breaking. They had me get on the bed to check me again and while there I had what I think were the worst contractions of the day - but I was 9 cm, almost 10. There was just a little bit left! While I was being checked my water broke in full force. Kathy had me wait through about 6 more contractions before giving me the go ahead to push because she wanted to make sure the cervix was totally out of the way. 
Finally, Kathy told me I could try pushing with the next contraction. After the first try she explained to me exactly how I needed to push and after that I think I was good to go! I got about 2-3 pushes per contraction. I pushed for about 25 minutes total. Pushing, while incredibly intense, did not hurt quite as much as contractions did for me. I was really out of it between pushes and got really emotional. I wanted to give up, but knew I couldn't - I used to get like this when hiking big mountains with Tim, we would always be almost there and I would be DONE. Tim was always so encouraging, and my birth team was amazing during my labor! 
At one point I felt and heard a pop and when I asked Kathy what it was, she told me I popped my coxxyx bone. 
All through my pushing Kathy was laughing because the baby was really moving and wiggling themselves into position - she said she had never seen anything like it. Finally, the little one started crowning and it got majorly intense then! I was really focused and pushing with everything I had and I heard Kathy yell "Jessica! Stop pushing!" And she made me focus on her and she told me to push just a little, and only when she told me to. She saved me from having much worse tearing. All of a sudden, the head came out, and then the rest of the body, and then the baby was on me and everyone was asking if it was a boy or a girl! I was so overwhelmed with emotions just seeing this precious baby, and then I looked and saw that we had a boy and I just melted. The room was in tears of joy and happiness. After waiting a bit, I cut my own cord and the little man got to snuggle closer and was eating like a champ in no time. I was given a couple of stitches for a few 1st degree tears which were not bad at all.
Timothy Reeves Hine Jr. was born at 7:48 PM on October 26th, 2013 (6 days early from my due date, but only one day from my original due date).
He weighed 7lbs, 1oz  and was 19 inches long. 
One of the very first things we did was listen to Daddy's voice on the elephant. It was a wonderful and difficult thing for me to do, but so so special for Timothy. I know Tim would be so incredibly proud of his little man. He's simply perfect, a little warrior prince for sure.
The family and friends in the waiting room were told with a video message from me. Mimi and Papa, Grammy and Grandpa, Uncle Alex, and Uncle Chris and Aunt Nikki were all there.
Timothy had a bath because his temperature was a little high (probably from ring on his furnace of a mom) and then after getting him cleaned up, me cleaned up and a little food, we were taken to a post partum room where he got to meet everyone.




Friday, October 25, 2013

39 Weeks, ONE week til my due date!


How far along? 39 Weeks, 1 week until my due date!
Total weight gain: I don't want to talk about it...39 lbs...ugh
Maternity clothes? Yes, and some of those shirts don't fit...and pants are getting a little tight, might be due to the massive weight gain
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: Waking up every 2-3 hrs, but otherwise pretty well. I'm so tired all the time at this point.
Best moment this week: Getting the nursery pretty much all set up - with gorgeous bedding, drapes, and chair courtesy of my Dad. My parents have really helped out setting it all up! Clare's baby dedication, meeting with my birth team ladies, dinner with my family and bro's new gf, dinner with Susan and Peter, and most of all hearing Baby's heartbeat! I just love it! 
Miss Anything? Tim. The closer we get to this little one being here, the harder it gets. Being able to move easily.
Movement: So much lately! Especially during the day.
Food cravings: Peanut butter, candy corn, milk and cereal, spicy food again 
Food aversions: OJ and tea
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives! 
Labor Signs: Some Braxton hicks, starting to "feel" a little different, not quite sure how to describe that. Kind of crampy?
Symptoms: Tired, really sore hips when I walk, shortness of breath, super emotional, heartburn, sore back, pretty sure I'm waddling. 
Belly Button in or out? Pretty much out
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: Seeing Amy this weekend, neighborhood party, and seeing my cousins...and the fact that this munchkin could come anytime
Feelings? Mostly excited, anxious and sad 


39Weeks...feeling really large today!

Friday, October 18, 2013

38 Weeks


How far along? 38 Weeks, as the midwife said yesterday, Baby Hine is fully cooked! Only TWO weeks left until my due date!
Total weight gain: 33ish
Maternity clothes? Yes, and some of those shirts don't fit
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: Waking up every 2-3 hrs.
Best moment this week: Lots! Maternity photos with 47Moments, church baby shower, Nate's birthday surprise, last birthing class, spending lots of time with the whole Burke clan (yay for Colleen, Janie and Molly being in town!), meeting some Ridgefield local ladies, dinner with mom and dad, hiking with Momma HineMoms and Muffins with Patrick, seeing Mema, and walking with Dad Hine. It's been a very busy week!
Miss Anything? Tim. The closer we get to this little one being here, the harder it gets.
Movement: So much lately! Especially during the day.
Food cravings: Peanut butter, pretty much anything that isn't super healthy :( although I'm finding that I actually am enjoying veggies sometimes now!
Food aversions: OJ and tea, still chicken sometimes
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives! Which is soon...eek!
Labor Signs: Some Braxton hicks, starting to "feel" a little different, not quite sure how to describe that. Kind of crampy?
Symptoms: Tired, really sore hips when I walk, shortness of breath, super emotional, heartburn, sore back, pretty sure I'm waddling. 
Belly Button in or out? Pretty much out
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: Hanging out with the Perreaults this weekend, getting the crib in the nursery.
Feelings? Mostly excited, anxious and sad these days...always a mixture for sure

On Monday, I was able to meet two local Christian ladies that are friends with Sarah Kate. It is really wonderful to know that there are kind people close by to me. I was invited to join their community group and their small group which I am excited about! Also, one of their friends happens to live on my street, and they are having a neighborhood party next weekend that I am hoping to attend. I think it's pretty cool how God is putting these people in my life :)

Oh yeah, and it is slightly crazy to me that no matter what I will have a baby in 4 weeks....one month! Eek!
38 Weeks



Bare belly shot...I feel huge!

Friday, October 11, 2013

37 Weeks, Full-Term Baby!


How far along? 37 Weeks, that means I've got a full term baby in there :)
Total weight gain: 33ish
Maternity clothes? Yes, I'm getting big.
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: Waking up every 2-3 hrs.
Best moment this week: Finding out Baby Hine is head down and unlikely to move from that place! Also, getting to hang out with the girls and Joe last weekend, and seeing the Hersels.
Miss Anything? Tim. This week was especially rough, with it being 6 whole months. There were lots of tears shed, but I am so sure that he is doing amazing things in heaven!
Movement: So much lately! Especially during the day.
Food cravings: Toast with peanut butter and jelly, fruit
Food aversions: OJ and tea, still chicken sometimes
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives! Which is soon...eek!
Labor Signs: Nope...maybe a few Braxton Hicks?
Symptoms: Tired, really sore hips when I walk, shortness of breath, super emotional, heartburn, sore back, pretty sure I'm waddling.
Belly Button in or out? Pretty much out
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: Photo shoot with 47 Moments tomorrow, church baby shower, seeing Colleen and Janie, and going to my last birthing class! Also, continuing to get ready.
Feelings? A bit in disbelief that I am almost at the end. Sad, angry, excited, anxious, scared, etc.

I met with the back up doula and the regular doula this week. They are amazing and I am looking forward to working with them. The doula I chose told me she sent my birth plan up to L&D and made sure all the nurses have read it. Also, the back up doula and I had a lot of coincidences - such as knowing a common (random) person, and that her son passed away from a car accident, and his name  just so happens to be Tim. Crazy. 
Baby Hine is doing well and growing like crazy, thankfully in the head down position and not breech which I am so grateful for. I can't believe that in absolutely no more than 5 weeks we get to meet this little one. 
Today at 37 weeks

Last Saturday at 36 weeks, 1 day

Friday, October 4, 2013

36 Weeks


36 Weeks

How far along? 36 Weeks
Total weight gain: 30 lbs
Maternity clothes? Yes...and shirts that were loose a week ago are now tight!
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: With going back to the house and having McKinley moving around, I woke up every hour, but otherwise slept well...think it will just keep getting worse these days!
Best moment this week: Moving back to our house and getting baby things and house organized. 
Miss Anything? Tim. This week was especially tough moving back without him.
Movement: So much lately! Especially during the day...it is the craziest feeling
Food cravings: Fruit, peanut butter, pizza/carbs
Food aversions: OJ and tea
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives! Which is soon...eek!
Labor Signs: Nope...maybe a few Braxton Hicks?
Symptoms: Tired, really sore hips when I walk, shortness of breath, super emotional, heartburn, sore back, pretty sure I'm waddling.
Belly Button in or out? Pretty much out
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: Hanging out with friends this weekend, meeting with another doula, continuing to make the house ready. I also now have weekly midwife appointments, which only happen at the end....so I guess I've reached the end? 
Feelings? 4 weeks left? Seriously? Less than a month. My mind isn't quite wrapped around that one yet.

Baby Hine is measuring a day or two ahead and doing well. Still so fun to hear that sweet little heartbeat!

Friday, September 27, 2013

35 Weeks, 35 days left...about


How far along? 35 Weeks, approximately 35 days to go
Total weight gain: 30 lbs, no wonder it is so hard to walk sometimes!
Maternity clothes? Yes, absolutely...thank you Burke ladies and Sar for keeping me well dressed during pregnancy!
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: wake up every 2-3 hrs, love my body pillow
Best moment this week: Seeing the floors refinished and the upstairs painting done - it is so beautiful! And starting the process of moving everything back.
Miss Anything? Tim. So much. 
Movement: So much lately! Especially during the day
Food cravings: Fruit, peanut butter, pizza/carbs
Food aversions: OJ and tea
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives!
Labor Signs: Nope...maybe a few Braxton Hicks
Symptoms: Tired, really sore hips when I walk, shortness of breath, super emotional
Belly Button in or out? Pretty much out
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: Moving back this week! (I'm also terrified of this, but it's time)
Feelings? So in disbelief that I have 5ish weeks left...very very nervous.

This past week:
My mom's shower was really wonderful - thank you to my mom and aunts and all of their hard work to make it so special. Everything was beautiful, the food and cupcakes (Thanks Lynn! ) were delicious, and it was so good to see everyone.

I spent lots of time at our house putting clothes away, cleaning, organizing and putting together baby items - thank you to everyone that helped to make this such a smooth process!

Met with a doula that will most likely be attending the birth - she was great!

Met with the birth team ladies to discuss our plans :)

Taken this morning before my awesome massage - thanks Sar!
At my baby shower last Sunday with Nora

Friday, September 20, 2013

34 Weeks, 8 Months


How far along?  34 weeks, that's 8 months! 
Total weight gain: 27 lbs
Maternity clothes? Yes, all pants. Some of my regular shirts still fit, sort of...Baby Hine is growing daily it feel like
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: up  3+ times a night, getting uncomfortable
Best moment this week: Monday night I was able to spend some time with Nora and SK, which was really good. I also toured the hospital, got a ton of baby laundry done, and went apple picking.
Miss Anything? Tim. So much. 
Movement: So much lately! My stomach looks like there is an alien in there!
Food cravings: Fruit, peanut butter, pizza
Food aversions: OJ and tea
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives!
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: Tired, really sore hips when I walk, shortness of breath
Belly Button in or out? The top popped, the bottom is flattish 
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: getting back in my house  very soon and preparing for Baby Hine, my mom's baby shower on Sunday
Feelings? Getting anxious/nervous about all I have to do before  Baby Hine arrives, and think I am in disbelief that it is so soon! 

In other news this week, I met with and decided on a pediatrician for the little one and I am very happy with my choice. The doctor and office staff seems wonderful. 
The hospital tour was nice in that I was able to see everything and see just how unlike a hospital it feels which is good for me. It did stink every time the woman giving the tour referred to the dads, which was often. I knew it was bound to happen so I was fairly prepared, but it was still hard.
I miss that husband of mine so much all the time, but it really breaks my heart that this baby doesn't get to meet him here...I know they would have loved each other so much.
34 Weeks

34 Weeks, belly shot (I'm a little embarrassed by this, but want to remember it!)

Friday, September 13, 2013

33 Weeks


How far along?  33 Weeks
Total weight gain: 27 lbs
Maternity clothes? Yes, all pants. Some of my regular shirts still fit, sort of...Baby Hine is growing!
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep: up  2+ times a night, super tired all the time
Best moment this week: My baby shower was so lovely. It was a camping/hiking theme, and was held in the beautiful Shepley barn that had been converted by my mother and sister in laws and best friends. There was a wood fired pizza truck with awesome pizza (even s'mores pizza for dessert!) and so many wonderful women to celebrate Baby Hine with. We are so blessed. A dear friend, Nikki, gave the most special gift...an elephant that when hugged, has a recording of the audio of Tim's proposal video to me. I will treasure that little elephant always.
Miss Anything? Tim. And Sarah and Miriam. 
Movement: Yes! Lots of flopping around. Baby really likes the right side of my stomach, and I've been feeling a foot or something jabby lately.
Food cravings: Fruit
Food aversions: OJ and tea...even tried tea again this week when allergies hit...couldn't stomach it.
Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives!
Labor Signs: Nope, thankfully...maybe a few Braxton Hicks, not sure though 
Symptoms: Really tired, sore, heartburn again, very emotional, getting out of breath more easily.
Belly Button in or out? The top popped, the bottom is flattish 
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Looking forward to: getting back in my house and preparing for Baby Hine, meeting with a pediatrician next week to see if I like them!
Feelings: Really sad and emotional this week. Very drained. Getting anxious/nervous about all I have to do before Baby Hine arrives, and that there are approx. 7 weeks left!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Wednesday Night - A follow up


On Wednesday evening, there was a worship service to kick off 40 days of worship and prayer for the state of CT. My sis Lisa had told us about this 40 day event awhile ago, and we decided it would be fun to check out while Sarah and Miriam were home.
Fast forward to last Wednesday, and I had completely forgotten about these worship services. When they were talking about the service that evening in Berlin,CT I have to admit that I was really just wishing I could stay home. However, it was a night for all of us ladies (Momma Hine, Sarah, Lisa, Miriam and our friend Erika) to spend together, plus we went to Rich's before so I decided to suck it up and go. As you can imagine, I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to worship. Also, this was a joyful event with lots of people shouting Hallelujahs and feelings of excitement. Sometimes, I love that. Lately, it has been hard for me to not be angry with God (even though I still trust Him and His plan for us, I still get angry because I just want Tim here so badly). They played several songs in a row about surrendering our hopes, dreams and plans to God - and while I know this is something I have always needed to do, I hate that I HAD to give up my hopes, dreams, and plans that included Tim (which were pretty much all of them). I was having a serious struggle with God and was practically yelling in my head at Him to speak to me because I felt so alone, lonely, and angry. 
And then the service ended, with me feeling angry and sad and determined to leave the service feeling those feelings. I was surrounded by hundreds of strangers, in a church and town that I had never been, and the only people I knew were the people I drove with and a friend of Lisa's. I was not in a good place. 
Within a few minutes of the service ending, a college aged guy came up to me looking pretty nervous. I immediately bristled, thinking to myself what in the world does this guy want? He said, "I don't usually do this, and I'm not really sure how to do this, but I just have a word from God that He wanted me to tell you." 
At this point, I was listening, but still not so sure about the whole thing. And then, these words came out of his mouth - "He wanted me to tell you that your baby is going to be a warrior". I immediately burst into tears, choked out a thank you, and the young guy was on his way out the door. I sat down, stammering to those around me "Did you hear what he just said?!". I left feeling more at peace than I have in the last five months (and it has been five months to the day since my love has gone on to Heaven). 

For those of you that attended Tim's memorial service, you won't need to ask why that particular statement was so powerful. If you didn't, I would watch my mother in laws talk on the youtube link that we posted. Basically, God spoke to Leslie the week after Tim went to Heaven and told her that he is going to be (or is) a warrior king. She shared the whole story at Tim's service. 
The fact that God would choose to use a night where I felt so angry and lonely, to use a total stranger, and to speak a word to me that would show just how close He is and how close Tim is, that was truly amazing to me. And, what implications it has for the future that this little one is going to be a warrior? 

Our God, He is so so good. Even in the midst of our incredible suffering. Even in the midst of our terrible sadness. Even when we are so angry we can barely pray. Even when all we want is our old life back. He knows, He loves us, and He is good. And Tim, I love you, and think it is pretty awesome that our baby is going to be a warrior just like his/her daddy. I so look forward to the day when the three of us are together again, but until then I have hope for our future.