Be Still, My Soul

I'm reading a really wonderful book about finding comfort through the Psalms. This song was talked about and I really liked the lyrics, it is called Be Still, My Soul:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past

All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise

On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;

Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,

So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.

Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine

Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

20 Weeks, Halfway There - oooooh Livin' on a prayer!

Sorry about the lame title, I couldn't resist. Livin on a Prayer was a favorite song of Tim and I. We were lifted up in the air during this song at our wedding, we blasted it and sang our hearts out whenever we heard it on the radio, and it remains a favorite of mine. When I wrote 20 weeks, halfway there I just had to add it!

How far along?  20 Weeks, halfway!

Total weight gain: 14 lbs - yikes! (Apparently I am the only one concerned by this)

Maternity clothes? Still just leggings or  maternity jeans, can wear regular tops for now

Stretch marks? No new ones

Sleep: Ok, waking up 3/4 times a night 

Best moment this week: Too many to choose - dinner and choosing frames with my cousins, hanging out with Emma, hanging out with Clare and Nora, seeing my students...best moment for sure was seeing Baby Hine wiggling all around on the 20 week ultrasound and learning that he/she is perfect!

Miss Anything? Tim. My regular life.

Movement: Yes! This is an active little one, have been feeling movement for about a week now. Only once or twice a day, and faint, but I feel it!

Food cravings: Still carbs, cheese, cheesy crackers like goldfish, and iche cream. Spicy food (probably why I am getting so large haha)

Food aversions: OJ, tea, veggies are becoming more tolerable

Gender: Don't know, and won't know until the day the bean arrives!

Labor Signs: Nope, thankfully 

Symptoms: Very tired and very emotional. Heartburn. Some nausea.

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On.

Looking forward to: Spending time with friends and family this week

Feelings: A total mixture. Mostly angry and sad this week.

I've had a very rough several days. I think the ultrasound, as amazing as it was, really made it hit home that Tim isn't here and won't be here for all of this wonderful stuff that I get to experience as a mom to be, and it just breaks my heart that he doesn't get to experience everything as a dad to be (here on earth anyway, I'm convinced he is still a dad in Heaven). I miss him so much that I am physically feeling pain, and am completely exhausted. I've shed a lot of tears these past days, and am so grateful for prayer, for a God that loves me, and for family and friends that check in on me. I am especially grateful for Nora (and Joe) who let me crash their family night on Saturday and just let me be how I needed to be - which was sad and crying a lot. Man Tim, we have the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. Thank you God!

I revisited this song this morning, and it reminded me again that joy will be coming, there is a plan - and just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean that it isn't what is best. It is called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson:
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=mfWAG-bnttQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DmfWAG-bnttQ
Really worth a listen if you are hurting.
Another song I love these days, that a friend Nikki send to me, is Never Alone by Lady Antebellum. I imagine this song from both God and Tim's perspective, and it really helps me.
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=U4yRsT_fPic&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DU4yRsT_fPic

Finally, some pictures! I'll get a 20 week of me today and post soon. In the meantime, here is our 20 week ultrasound. The little one was moving so much that it was hard to get a decent picture!

20 weeks, approx 13 oz. and measuring 5 days ahead gestational age!

19 weeks

Pictures of all babies to come!

How far along?  19 weeks

Total weight gain: Not sure, maybe 9-10?

Maternity clothes? Still just leggings or  maternity jeans, can wear regular tops although my smalls are starting to be a bit snug

Stretch marks? No new ones

Sleep: Ok, waking up 3/4 times a night 

Best moment this week: What a week this has been! My best friends, Nora and Joe welcomed Baby Clare on Monday evening, and my sister and bright in law Sarah and John welcomed my niece Baby Miriam on Tuesday, and Emma came to visit! Such an overwhelmingly joyful week. Best moment hands down was holding sweet little Clare for the first time!

Also getting an amazing baby package from friends in Colorado.

Choosing the fabric for Baby Hine's nursery set - someone I have known forever that works with my dad is making custom bedding things for the babe!

Miss Anything? Tim. Hiking with the pup (she has a limp leg from something and is banned from walking much right now) a glass of wine or a beer, especially since I am going to a wedding today!

Movement: Pretty sure I felt the flutters, a few different times. Not sure though.

Food cravings: Still carbs, cheese, cheesy crackers like goldfish, and ice cream. Spicy food. 

Food aversions: OJ, tea, really not into veggies - which is really sad.

Gender: Don't know

Labor Signs: Nope, thankfully 

Symptoms: Very tired and very emotional.

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On.

Looking forward to: Spending time with friends and family this week, and my twenty week ultrasound and appt. on Friday!

Feelings: Overjoyed, excited, happy. Sad, frustrated, angry.

18 Weeks, 4 Month Mark

How far along?  18 Weeks, 4 months

• Total weight gain:Really not sure, maybe 8 pounds? Ill ask my Dr. when I go in at 20 weeks!
• Maternity clothes? Still just maternity pants - my belly just won't fit in my regular pants anymore - even the regular leggings feel tight.
• Stretch marks? Still no new ones
• Sleep: Still waking up 3-4 times a night
• Best moment this week: Getting outside a lot with McKinley, my family, and Nora to go hiking. Feels SO good to be able to move again!
• Miss Anything? Tim. A lot this week, it was a rough one. However, I also miss a good beer/glass of wine!
• Movement: Not yet, really hoping it will happen soon!
• Food cravings: Spicy food. I'm SO into that right now. I also am still into carbs, I really wish I was into vegetables haha.
• Food aversions: OJ and Tea. Don't really want vegetables or chicken, but I can force them.
• Gender: It's a surprise.
• Labor Signs: Nope!
• Symptoms: Tired, emotional, hungry all the time.
• Belly Button in or out? In.
• Wedding rings on or off? On.
• Looking forward to: Nora having this baby sometime in the next week!
• Feelings- Emotional - excited about baby things, the house being worked on, and Nora and Joe's baby most likely making an appearance soon. Missing Tim like crazy all the time and wishing he was here. Angry that he isn't.

  
Please don't mind the awful picture, it was 90+ degrees at the time, and I was exhausted!

17 weeks

How far along?  17 weeks

Total weight gain: Not sure, maybe 6-7 lbs?

Maternity clothes? Still just leggings or  maternity jeans, can wear regular tops

Stretch marks? No new ones

Sleep: Ok, waking up 3/4 times a night 

Best moment this week: meeting baby Janie and seeing Colleen and Rod! And getting a prenatal massage :)

Miss Anything? Tim. Having a good beer/wine

Movement: Not yet, come on baby H!

Food cravings: Still carbs, cheese, cheesy crackers like goldfish, and ice cream. I have restraint though, thank goodness :) well, most of the time 

Food aversions: Chicken (new this week), other proteins, OJ, tea

Gender: Don't know

Labor Signs: Nope, thankfully 

Symptoms: Very tired and very emotional.

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On.

Looking forward to: Nora potentially having her baby this week!

Feelings: Been a rough week for me emotionally, pregnancy wise I feel good though!

16 Weeks

How far along? 16 weeks

Maternity clothes? No, but my pants are beginning to be a problem. I might end up in maternity pants soon, or at least live in dresses and leggings! Edit: I'm in early maternity pants now, why did I wait so long, they are amazing! 

Sleep: I wake up in the middle of the night at least 3-4 times. Not sleeping all that well, but think that is because of thinking about Tim, not pregnancy related yet?

Best moment this week: Had a 15 week ultrasound, and the little one scratched their face, and swam to the probe. So cool. I'm so in love. 

Miss anything? My husband. More than anything. And having the occasional good beer. 

Movement: Not yet, can't wait!

Food cravings: Spicy food, carbs, ice cream...sometimes the craving for salad. I better watch it or I will turn into a balloon :)

Anything making you queasy or sick: If I don't eat frequently, OJ, and tea.

Gender: Not finding out, that was the one decision Tim and I had made together about this little one. Will be a wonderful surprise in November.

Labor Signs: Nope & it'd better stay that way for a long time!

Belly Button in or out? In!

Wedding rings on or off? On

Mood: According to Tim, I was much less crazy than he thought I would be in the beginning. And now, my emotions are a roller coaster,but again, not pregnancy related. I'm mostly a combination of numb/sad/joyful/depressed/angry/hopeful.

Looking forward to: Seeing Colleen and Rod and baby Jane, and celebrating Tim's life with the best friends

16 Weeks

My life is forever changed.

I don't know how to write this. I was supposed to be telling about the wonderful news about Tim and I expecting our first baby. Instead, our world was flipped upside down. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that most days I'm still in shock. Sometimes, I forget that this is real life now. And sometimes it hurts so much I can't catch my breath and I can't stop sobbing. Mostly, I'm just numb. I want my husband back. I want him here. However, I will choose to trust in our God, that His plan is being carried out just as it should. As Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Instead of trying to write this again, I am just going to put an excerpt from my eulogy of Tim. At some point I will post all of it. For now:

The morning of April 3rd 2013 will forever remain imprinted in my mind, as will the days that followed Tim's accident when family and friends lived with us at the hospital to pray, give support, and be with Tim. Tim fought hard to hang on, and it was a blessing to be witness to the love and support of everyone all over the world that was praying for him. On Sunday, April 7th at 6:45 PM, Tim went to be with his Savior. It had been a sunny day, and for about twenty minutes surrounding his passing it began to rain. Our dear friends reported seeing a rainbow above the Hine house in Southbury just after 7:00 PM. We were all able to say our goodbyes, and I was able to wrap my arms around the love of my life one more time. I am so grateful that we were all there with him.
That night, I awoke at 4:30 AM after having a vision of Tim putting his arms on my arms, looking me in the eyes, and smiling. He said "I'm ok." He was big and bright, and when I opened my eyes, there was still a bit of light in the room. I feel such peace because I know Tim is in Heaven and I know I will see him again. My faith has been strengthened over the last few weeks and I feel closer to God than I ever have before. I am angry and devastated that Tim is gone, but not at God. I know Tim 
is in an incredible place and I know he is doing amazing things, and I am sure he is climbing mountains up there. 

I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I love you babe, and I really can't wait to be with you again! You would have really loved the last ultrasound, this little one is just like you. Baby Hine is moving all around, rubbing their face, and kicking (although I can't feel it just yet). 

I am going to start to write weekly updates on our baby, so that I can remember everything.